Processing

When I was 14 my history teacher freshman year told me on my first day to always carry a bandana in case of a revolution. Incase the cops threw tear gas and some one needed to run out and throw it back. To use to cover my nose and protect my lungs or wrap my hand so that if it was hot I wouldn't get burned. Incase I needed to signal for assistance or to warn others. Incase I had to cover my face in front of media or help someone cover theirs.  Incase I got hurt or someone else did and we needed something to keep the pressure and bandage. So I kept one.

It was always in my bag. Waiting.

I'm generally not one for politics. I was raised in a liberal bubble where my history class sophomore year of high school was titled Anarchy & Socialism. I was not really built for the political climate America fosters, or really, once I think about it, what most any country's population deals with. That's just a fact.

But, even though the system, as it currently exists, isn't something I'm 100% behind, I always have prided myself in my willingness to slosh through all the mud, get my research together, and vote for what I feel is morally right. I'm sure a lot of Americans feel this same way.

We look at our two party system, a good portion of us kind of sigh, and then we make the most educated vote we possibly can. Or, at least that's what I've always put my hope on. Clearly, this election was a totally different animal altogether. I saw people completely burned out on it before April hit, and I saw even more folks arguing with each other over a system that is just not wiggling enough to allow real change in the way our government stands.

NPR Live 2016 Election Coverage: Watch Paint Dry

But at the same time, I've never seen politics as a "lesser of two evils" situation, especially this year. Generally I try to keep evil out of my politics, I find most American politicians aren't evil, they're just politicians. Inherently this means they have big mouths and even bigger aspirations. So I chose the one who's yelling aligns the most with my own (because realistically, you'll never find a politician running in our two party system who thinks exactly as you do). This year, however, I found a very thick and obvious line between "evil" and "a politician."

So, I cast my vote against the person who was threatening the lives of refugees and immigrants, who threatened the value of the lives of POC, the health of women, the LGBT*QIA community, and differently abled folks. That's an easy choice, recognizing evil and voting for the person who has the absolute best chance of squelching it. Admittedly that's not the same way I vote in my local elections or even how I vote in the primaries, but like I said, it's a two party system, you can smell the evil a mile away on this one.

But heres the thing... Many didn't. We have tons of people who think they made an informed vote for themselves and the country and while some people, I have no doubt, were happy to hurt all the communities that weren't white, cis, heterosexual men, I have a good inkling that many didn't think it would hurt their friends who are part of those communities. They made a choice to ignore the needs of all the people in the USA, or hoping for a better life in the USA, who needed the votes for their safety the most. And that's the sad part for me.

Infographic from The Washington Post

I'm not surprised our country is this racist, this sexist, this ableist, this trans* and homophobic, etc. I'm not. It's just not something I'm shocked by anymore. It hurts just as much though, every time it's affirmed. When I woke up the next day I definitely told myself not enough people went out to vote thanks to the media circus that was all too ready to distract from the actual process of voting after an opinion is formed. But then I looked at the breakdown of voters. White women, like myself, were not on the same side of that very thick line as me. They aligned themselves against themselves in order to stand with a a figure that represents everything most women have grown to fear. A man who up until a couple of weeks ago was set to be tried for rape and who proudly bragged about sexually harassing and molesting women. Why would they stand with him? Why would they align themselves against women, and more violently against their fellow women in the trans*, POC, and other diverse communities? Why would they choose a frightening -- no horrifying -- white man over their fellow women?

Maybe that's a larger conversation on survival of women, how a underlying fear of powerful men makes us side with them in hopes we might not get hurt that day. Makes us "other" the women who don't look or identify exactly like us. That thought really scares me. That I didn't expect at all. I thought woman were going to stand together on this one, and they didn't. Breaking up and othering is something we can't afford as women today, tomorrow or ever. We cannot be devaluing each other and ourselves like this, and yet... Here we are.

I've been doing a lot of processing in these weeks. I run a activist driven space on The Compost, I moderate a group on facebook. I bring extra bandanas and vinegar and water to protests just like my history teacher taught me. But when I go under my sheets in my safe and warm apartment, I still have to question everything I've done, if I've done enough, or what doing enough really is. I wonder why my home state still hasn't outright outlawed the death penalty even though everyone I know voted to do away with it. I listen to my partner and roommate grapple with the idea of a lock box in a state that's spent more than a year without a budget...

But my bandana is always in my bag, and I hope you have yours in there too, next to your wallet or pepper spray or favorite book. Keep it as an insurance policy and if you see someone without, make sure to have an extra, because while many things don't make sense right now, it does make sense to stick together.

Find me, and I've got you.